Fear Itself

One big reason to tackle the birds and the bees with your younger kids is the need to protect them from predatory adults who might take advantage of their innocence to molest them. A child who can name his or her private parts and knows that it's safe to raise questions about them with Mom and Dad is a safer child than one who can't give a name to his or her problem - or is afraid to. But a recent post at Virtual Mystery Tour and a question from a local mom at Mamasource reminded me that it's all too easy in protecting your kids to forget where most of the real threats to their safety come from, and it ain't random strangers on the streets or the internet. Remember as you teach your child caution with strangers that she or he does need to know how to distinguish adults who should be trusted to provide help in a crisis from the rest of the grown-ups out there - and your child also needs to know that you are willing to listen when he or she has something negative to say about an adult who isn't a stranger. Tragically, kids are at the greatest danger from those closest to them, no matter what economic, religious, or cultural context they live in.

I spent some time musing on how to deal with the aftermath of sexual abuse in an earlier post. But how to figure out that your child is being abused? Older kids will often respond to abuse in ways that mirror adult responses to trauma: depression, suicidal proclamations, self-destructive behavior, changes in personal hygiene. In younger kids, there are some warning signs:

• Urinary tract or yeast infections. These can happen for other reasons, including too-tight underwear or too long between diaper changes, your child's blood sugar or body chemistry, or mild dehydration.* But at a minimum, these infections - especially reoccurring ones - should prompt you to ask your child if anyone has been touching their privates and remind him or her that only Mom or Dad (or Grandma, or the doctor if Mom or Dad is there) gets to look at or touch those parts, and then only to see if they're clean or check them if they're sick.
• Unexplained bleeding or swelling around mouth or genitals. Unless your child is being treated for disorders I've never heard of with hormones, these either indicate medical problems that need medical attention** or the distinct possibility of abuse.
• Stated desire not to be left alone with a particular adult.
• Copying adult sexual behavior.***
• Change in child's overall behavior (a previously talkative child becoming withdrawn, for example).
• Obsession with secrets.***

* You can minimize risk of UTIs and yeast infections in toilet-trained little girls by making sure they don't sleep in underpants - pj pants or loose shorts, sure, but no undies. Just trust me on this.

** Except with newborn girls - read one of the baby instruction manuals for further information.

*** A little captivation with secrets is normal, and it's not uncommon for kids to play kissing games or touch themselves. The warning signs are when the kid is mimicking adult sexual responses or sounding unhappy about having a secret.

Children, older and younger, are usually "groomed" for abuse for a period before the actual abuse occurs. Watch for some signs that an adult may be grooming your child as a potential victim:

• The adult wants to spend time alone with your child. It's one thing when you hand off the kids overnight with your brother or mom for some couple time with your spouse, but adult-child sleepovers for fun? Playing in the child's room with the door closed? Be wary.
• The adult treats children as his or her emotional and social equals. Again, it's one thing when your best friend takes a woman-to-woman tone in talking with your ten-year-old girl; it's quite something else when the adult considers kids his or her best friends and talks to them about his problems in adult life, especially when the person's relationships with adults seem limited or dysfunctional.
• The adult gives the child gifts or allows him/her to engage in activities forbidden by the child's parents. This frequently lays the groundwork for introducing pornographic or other inappropriate materials to the child later on.

Crossing Lines

One argument I've heard posited against sex ed for kids is that once the kids have the information, they will rush out to put it into practice. By that logic, once you let your kids be exposed to information about violence, they will rush to the nearest bell tower for target practice.

I don't know how a parent copes with the sexual violation of a child, and I hope I never find out first hand. What I do know is that whatever a child sees, does, or is made to do, parents still have the responsibility to provide him or her with the tools to make informed and, yeah, moral choices about sexual behavior. For a child who's been abused or inappropriately exposed to adult sexual behavior, the fact that Mom and Dad (or whoever the appropriate grown-up is) can talk about what happened and give it some kind of context is a vital ingredient in the healing process. Preteens and teens who are sexually active need to hear what their parents think about their behavior - not just the sexual parts but the relationship parts too. I'm not trying equate abuse by adult with consensual activity between kids, but the fact is that teens up to voting/draft age are legally kids, and kids are their parents' responsibility. The fact that your teen looks like he's 25 and behaves maturely does not mean his emotional development is complete at 17!

The point here is not that parents should make their kids feel good about what was done to them or what the kids have done - the point is that these are defining moments for a child's emotional and physical development, and a parent's best opportunity to convey the values he or she considers most important is address these moments head on and as calmly and lovingly as possible. Just as the discussion of sexuality and its proper role in life shouldn't wait until these moments, neither should it end with them!