The Talk

The phrase "having sex with" seems to have sudden entered my sons' lexicon and, therefore, my daughter's. As I sat my bleariness down for a bagel and some caffeine Sunday morning, the five-year old girl came in to the kitchen to announce that her brothers were having sex in the living room. "We're not having sex!" they screamed back.

As I got up and peeked around the corner to make sure no actual sexual congress was taking place, I called out a general question to the troops. "Do you know what that means, 'having sex'?" The boys, who were in fact wrestling on the floor, left off trying to strangle each other long enough to answer in the affirmative. The girl followed me back to the kitchen table and stared at me. She shook her head.

"Okay, you remember about the mommy eggs and the daddy seeds, right?" Vigorous nod. "Well, the daddy puts the seeds inside the mommy so they can find the eggs and make a baby." Less vigorous nod. "To do that the man puts his penis inside the lady's vagina." Uh-oh. "That's just for grown-ups. But that's what people mean when they say 'have sex with.' Any questions?"

My middle child called out from the living room, "Mommy, did you just have The Talk with Mouse?"

It Begins

My oldest starts public school fifth grade sex ed next week! Oh wow, now I get to see what all the excitement is about. What I remember of sixth grade sex ed was that we got to put anonymous questions in a box. I don't remember anything about it making an impression on me, but my mother had already done all the groundwork. I can hardly wait to see what the boy makes of it.

The Long Haul, Part 1

I don't think there's a way to prepare kids for how long they're going to be grown-ups. Everything moves so fast for them in that mad rush from womb to dorm room that they can't conceive of decades upon decades of relative sameness. If I sound like I'm working through my own mid-life issues, that's because I am. Ah, the years weigh heavy on me tonight!

Setting The Talk About Sex aside for A Very Special Episode perpetuates the myth that the sexual drive is somehow outside the realm of regular moral choice or practical consideration. One practical consideration on my mind tonight is that responsible adult life can be uniquely dull for long stretches of time. I say this as a woman who reminds her kids daily that only boring people get bored and means it. The fact that boredom represents a failure of imagination doesn't change the fact that some things are just, well, boring.

Forget the debate about abstinence education vs. comprehensive sex ed in schools - how you train your kids to cope with Teh Boring will shape their sexual morality and behavior more than whether they learn about contraception in school.

But Of That Day And Hour ...

Astrodon Johnstoni's lament calls to mind a conversation I had recently about sex ed with an acquaintance who was shocked, shocked, to discover that her fifth grader's teacher had touched on abortion as a politically significant issue in an election year. This acquaintance was considering keeping her son home from school for the rest of the elections unit. To my suggestion that she consider this a teachable moment for her or her husband to convey their beliefs about abortion to the boy, she replied, "But that was a decision I wanted the chance to make for myself, in my own time."

Go find me a fifth grader who has never heard the word "gay" or "abortion." I defy you to find me a one who (a) exists and (b) learned either word when his or her parents thought it was time.

House Rules

I had a lovely three days as a guest blogger over at Karen Rayne's site on adolescent sexuality (http://karenrayne.com/). Having to put something out there every day really focused my thinking, both about the topics I covered and about what I'm doing here at Stork! Stork! Addressing teens and their needs is a different challenge from talking to younger kids. That being said, one of the many pluses of talking to your kids early and often about sexuality is that it helps establish a habit of communication that should make your teen more comfortable about talking to you.

Storks Don't Hibernate

... but bloggers sure do. Geez oh man, I've been falling down on the job. But all that's about to change. For one thing, Karen Rayne has invited me to guest blog for her starting tomorrow! I'm very excited about this opportunity to hold forth on adolescent sexuality and reclaim my blogging mojo.

Fear Itself

One big reason to tackle the birds and the bees with your younger kids is the need to protect them from predatory adults who might take advantage of their innocence to molest them. A child who can name his or her private parts and knows that it's safe to raise questions about them with Mom and Dad is a safer child than one who can't give a name to his or her problem - or is afraid to. But a recent post at Virtual Mystery Tour and a question from a local mom at Mamasource reminded me that it's all too easy in protecting your kids to forget where most of the real threats to their safety come from, and it ain't random strangers on the streets or the internet. Remember as you teach your child caution with strangers that she or he does need to know how to distinguish adults who should be trusted to provide help in a crisis from the rest of the grown-ups out there - and your child also needs to know that you are willing to listen when he or she has something negative to say about an adult who isn't a stranger. Tragically, kids are at the greatest danger from those closest to them, no matter what economic, religious, or cultural context they live in.

I spent some time musing on how to deal with the aftermath of sexual abuse in an earlier post. But how to figure out that your child is being abused? Older kids will often respond to abuse in ways that mirror adult responses to trauma: depression, suicidal proclamations, self-destructive behavior, changes in personal hygiene. In younger kids, there are some warning signs:

• Urinary tract or yeast infections. These can happen for other reasons, including too-tight underwear or too long between diaper changes, your child's blood sugar or body chemistry, or mild dehydration.* But at a minimum, these infections - especially reoccurring ones - should prompt you to ask your child if anyone has been touching their privates and remind him or her that only Mom or Dad (or Grandma, or the doctor if Mom or Dad is there) gets to look at or touch those parts, and then only to see if they're clean or check them if they're sick.
• Unexplained bleeding or swelling around mouth or genitals. Unless your child is being treated for disorders I've never heard of with hormones, these either indicate medical problems that need medical attention** or the distinct possibility of abuse.
• Stated desire not to be left alone with a particular adult.
• Copying adult sexual behavior.***
• Change in child's overall behavior (a previously talkative child becoming withdrawn, for example).
• Obsession with secrets.***

* You can minimize risk of UTIs and yeast infections in toilet-trained little girls by making sure they don't sleep in underpants - pj pants or loose shorts, sure, but no undies. Just trust me on this.

** Except with newborn girls - read one of the baby instruction manuals for further information.

*** A little captivation with secrets is normal, and it's not uncommon for kids to play kissing games or touch themselves. The warning signs are when the kid is mimicking adult sexual responses or sounding unhappy about having a secret.

Children, older and younger, are usually "groomed" for abuse for a period before the actual abuse occurs. Watch for some signs that an adult may be grooming your child as a potential victim:

• The adult wants to spend time alone with your child. It's one thing when you hand off the kids overnight with your brother or mom for some couple time with your spouse, but adult-child sleepovers for fun? Playing in the child's room with the door closed? Be wary.
• The adult treats children as his or her emotional and social equals. Again, it's one thing when your best friend takes a woman-to-woman tone in talking with your ten-year-old girl; it's quite something else when the adult considers kids his or her best friends and talks to them about his problems in adult life, especially when the person's relationships with adults seem limited or dysfunctional.
• The adult gives the child gifts or allows him/her to engage in activities forbidden by the child's parents. This frequently lays the groundwork for introducing pornographic or other inappropriate materials to the child later on.